Drama, drama, drama. Everyone likes it until they’re in it. The same can be said with conflict. But how does one become involved in conflict, aka drama?
While it’s natural to not agree on everything and to get hurt from someone’s actions and words, that doesn’t, or shouldn’t, equate to conflict. Conflict arises when one’s ego takes over to fulfill its desire to be “right”—to fulfill a story that it has created and is seeking to validate.
Those stories can include how someone views themself, their life, a person, the world, and so on. But is the need to be right worth more than connecting to someone, especially if that someone is an important person in your life?
If you desire less conflict, to be heard more, and to develop deeper connections, I highly recommend the following: develop self-awareness, be open and vulnerable to communicate how you’re feeling, and be open to another person’s perspective.
Self-awareness is a key factor here. Self-awareness grants the opportunity to see the various emotions you have throughout a day, week, month, year, etc., and allows you to be curious about how you’re feeling at a given time and why.
For example, someone who is self-aware can pick up they are feeling angry when they otherwise feel pleasant emotions. Self-awareness then presents the opportunity to communicate those feelings of anger, in a civilized fashion, of course.
To depict the importance of self-awareness further, I have two scenarios of a common situation most people can relate to. Let’s say you have a challenging day at work and you’re feeling overwhelmed and tired.
In the first scenario, you go home to your partner, are cold with him/her/them, flatly state you had a challenging day, and give short responses like “IDK” and “you choose” to being asked what you want for dinner.
In the second scenario, you recognize you are more tired than usual, feel mentally drained, and don’t have the energy to cook dinner. When you arrive home, you let your partner know you had a tough day, you’re exhausted, and ask if they have the energy to make dinner.
If your partner says yes, that’s great, easy-peasy. The responsibility of making dinner is not on you, and you can go recharge a bit in however way you see fit. If your partner says they also had a hard day, maybe choose to order take-in so the responsibility of making dinner is not on either of you.
The difference here is that you both are working as a team, listening to how each other is feeling, how to best meet the person where they’re at, and meeting both of your current needs (rest vs. making dinner).
There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying you feel anything other than positive emotions. There’s also no reason to put the pressure on yourself to do something you normally do if you don’t have the energy for it. However, instead of letting your ego win by snapping at someone you love, communicate how you’re feeling in a respectful, open way.
While this is just one example, the same formula can be used with any conflict. Be self aware about how you’re feeling, share those feelings, and be open to another person’s perspective.
Sharing how we feel opens up the conversation for both parties to come to a mutually beneficial solution and perspective. Communicating how one feels lets the other person know what’s going on inside your head and gives them perspective on how their actions might have hurt your feelings.
With that said, it’s important to not assume anyone else’s feelings or thoughts. Take these two statements as examples: “I feel like you never want to hang out with me” vs. “I feel hurt when you don’t reach out to spend time together.”
Which one are you more receptive to? The first statement will likely lead to someone going on the defense. The second statement grants the listener the opportunity to be more sympathetic, hear you, and be more open to a conversation where both parties will be heard to come to a solution.
The main difference between those two statements is being vulnerable and open instead of accusatory. If you find yourself being accusatory, ask why. For example, Why do you believe that the other person doesn’t want to spend time with you?
Be curious here because there’s likely a deeper internal belief that is running the show of your life and that will come up with multiple people or with one person in different, but similar, scenarios.
I understand it is scary to be vulnerable. Sharing how you’re feeling isn’t a wildly popular concept at the moment, but it is the solution to many conflicts that arise. The more one shares how they’re feeling, the more heartfelt conversations will be had, which is where deep connections and understanding can be established, not to mention less conflicts and drama.
Most of one’s problems can be solved when we share how we’re feeling and what we need. It can be as easy as—or as hard as—asking for help. It comes down to how you want to fill your life with. Let’s save the drama for our mamas and choose ease.
