Relationships teach us so much about ourselves. It’s important to be surrounded by healthy relationships so you can have optimal support and ease.
Often, I see and hear about codependency. People don’t realize that their codependent patterns are not healthy. Of course we want to be considerate of others, but it’s not your responsibility to “take care of” other people’s feelings.
Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. If someone is angry, it doesn’t mean that you did something wrong or that it is your job to fix it. If you find yourself “rescuing” other people all the time or anticipating their needs, you can be sure you are exhibiting codependent behavior.
Being a good friend or partner can certainly involve listening and helping. However, problem-solving for them is not actually helpful. You rob them of the opportunity to figure it out for themselves. You are doing them a disservice as you send a subconscious message that they need you and that alone, they are incapable.
They will ask for help if they need it. You have to trust that they will be okay and have the agency to cope. Support doesn’t mean picking up their problems as if they are your own. You can be supportive simply by showing up, listening, and encouraging them.
The root of codependency often comes from our families of origin. Sensitive ones are expected to anticipate the needs of others. Expectations are spoken or unspoken, reinforced through various rewards.
For example, I shouldn’t have to feel helpless so that someone else can feel needed. The act of being self-sufficient does not mean I don’t appreciate or love others in my life. The need to be needed is one of many dynamics that result in codependency. Another example is staying in an unhealthy relationship because you feel sorry for your partner. Pity does not equal love.
It’s not your job to protect or take care of people’s feelings. Along my personal journey, the phrase “it’s not my job” became powerful for my growth. It also helped me advocate for my children as I saw some expectations being placed on them.
It’s not a child’s job to make their parents feel good. That’s totally unfair to expect. A child should not have to prove that they like their parents. Yes, parents have a job teaching children to be kind and respectful. But be careful what you are teaching them. Will they grow up to sacrifice their own goals or happiness in an effort to please their future partner?
Sometimes relationships can become enmeshed, in which your identity is difficult to separate from someone else’s identity. If you can’t define yourself outside of your relationship, then you’ve lost your individuality and personal identity.
As an identical twin, I was often confused with my sister and people assumed we were the same in our personality, goals, and interests. I even used to have a habit of saying “we” when she wasn’t around, because we used to do everything together. I realized I had a difficult time even starting a sentence with “I.”
I give personal examples because that’s how I’ve learned. The contrast of realizing what we don’t want allows us to learn what we do want and need. I also want to normalize how these patterns happen in relationships. Patterns are learned which means they can be unlearned.
Also, your self-esteem should not rely on your partner’s mood. Having an external locus of control is when you are motivated by external events or people. It’s healthier to have an internal locus of control, knowing who you are and making your own choices despite what others think or expect.
Have you heard about the codependency triangle? The three roles often taken are the perpetrator, the victim, and the rescuer. Family members can rotate which one of these roles they play at any given time. However, we tend to have “favorites.” The perpetrator acts, the victim responds, and the rescuer swoops in after it all.
Which role do you play out? Do you ever feel you are walking on eggshells around a moody or explosive personality? This could be a red flag.
I am all about boundaries. This has totally saved me in terms of knowing my rights and what I deserve. I had to tell myself that God loves me too, damn it! In other words, your needs matter. Your happiness matters. You don’t need to be on the back burner all the time. Don’t wait to be rescued. Rescue yourself!
It’s good to identify what works for you and what doesn’t happen in a relationship. Some things can be negotiable. Sometimes, you can find a compromise. Other things might be deal-breakers. What are your deal-breakers?
For some, it may feel rude to say no. Women, especially, have been socialized to be agreeable. I’ve even been written up for poor communication for simply disagreeing and communicating my disagreement. Standing by your boundaries can be difficult.
Not everyone will support you, but that’s okay. It’s more important to be assertive and advocate for your needs. And if others get upset or angry about your boundaries, it is okay. I promise you both will be better off as a result. You have to teach people how to treat you.
Relationships are supposed to support you. They are the places where we practice and learn lessons of love. We learn how to forgive, how to ask for help, how to set boundaries, how to love yourself and others, what conditions you should place on certain types of relationships, how to be accountable and take responsibility, and how to communicate assertively and effectively.
The most important relationship you can create and maintain is the one with yourself. From there, all other relationships will improve.
