Yes, we’ve all done it. Blamed our dads for not being there enough, our moms for not setting a good example, our first boyfriends for dumping us, and our ex-husbands for betraying us. Stop! You are a grown adult, it’s time to accept full responsibility for your life.
It’s more likely that the blame itself is holding you back rather than the memories. If you find yourself blaming other people for your damaged dating or love life, follow these 5 steps to freedom:
1. Stop saying it out loud
Your words affect your thoughts, and your thoughts affect your life. Become aware of the times when you tell other people or yourself that you’re single or the relationship you’re in is going south. When you catch yourself saying these words don’t beat yourself up – just take note and then drop it.
2. Write a letter but don’t send it
Tell the person you blame what’s in your heart. I give you full permission to swear, cry, etc. Take this time to let it all out in the words on the paper and then when you’re ready, move towards letting it go. Write down words to describe how this person has no control over you anymore and it’s time to move forward. It’s very powerful to write the words “I forgive you” but if you’re not ready, skip it. If you do forgive someone, you are not confirming that what they did was okay.
3. Send some love to the situation
Send love to this person whenever you think of him/her. If you can’t send love to the person, send love to the situation. I know this is difficult, but asking yourself these questions will help:
- Am I stronger because of it?
- How did I overcome this situation?
- What did I learn from it?
- Has it changed me for the better in any way?
- Why am I hanging onto this?
- Do I want to let it go?
4. Find your own personalized affirmation
Affirmation guidelines:
- Make it personal to you
- Put it in the present tense (as if you already feel it)
- Keep it simple
- Use a positive phrase such as: “I am an independent woman” rather than: “I am not depending on anyone for my happiness”
- Feel the affirmation with passion when you say it out loud
Example affirmations:
- I am a strong, confident woman, who is in control of her own destiny
- I let go of the past and enjoy each present moment
- I make my own choices and I am free to navigate my own future
Write your affirmation down on a post-it and put it on your bathroom mirror, in your car, in your pocket – wherever you are likely to see it – and say it out loud, with passion whenever you see it.
5. Tap on it using EFT
If you were to believe that you could let go of the blame and move onto a wonderful love life by jumping up and down on one leg while patting your head and barking like a dog, would you do it? This tool will help you with that and you won’t need to feel quite so silly doing it – well, perhaps a little at first.
Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), also known as tapping, requires you to tap your fingertips on certain points of your body while voicing the truth of how you feel. These points on your body are called energy meridians. Using these techniques we can tap out resistance that has been holding us back and then tap in positive feelings and expectations. You can try it on anything.
EFT was discovered by Gary Craig in the mid-nineties and is now being used by millions of people around the world with amazing results. It is similar to tapping acupressure, based on the same energy meridians used in traditional acupuncture for over five thousand years, but without the use of needles.
The magic is at your fingertips.
The instructions below will get you started, but take a look on my website for videos and other tips: www.singlemomsdatingcoach.com
- Where in your body do you feel the emotional issue most strongly?
- Rate the distress level in that place in your body on a scale of 0 to 10, where 10 is maximum intensity and 0 is no intensity: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0
- The Setup: Repeat this statement three times, while continuously tapping the karate chop point on the side of the hand
“Even though I have _______ (name the problem), I deeply and completely accept myself.”
- The Tapping Sequence: Tap about 7 times on each of the 8 energy points in the diagram below, while repeating a brief phrase that reminds you of the problem.
- Determine your distress level on a scale of 0 to 10 again. If it’s still high, say:
“Even though I have some remaining _______ (problem), I deeply and completely accept myself.”
- Repeat from Step 3 till your stress level is as close to 0 as possible.
This is an amazing self-help tool and it is so simple that you can perform it on yourself, but an experienced practitioner can help you to identify your barriers and acts of self-sabotage, and their services will often work when nothing else does.
Here’s an example, but remember that it’s most effective when you use your own words and feelings…
- Where in your body: Blame in my stomach
- Determine the distress level (0 to 10, where 10 is maximum intensity and 0 is no intensity): 8
- The Setup (tapping on the karate chop point):
“Even though I have this blame feeling in my stomach, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though I have this blame feeling in my stomach, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though I have this blame feeling in my stomach, I deeply and completely accept myself.” - The Tapping Sequence (tapping on each of the 8 points):
This blame feeling
This blame feeling in my stomach
This feeling in my stomach
Feeling so much blame
This blame feeling
This blame feeling in my stomach
This feeling in my stomach
Feeling so much blame - Determine your distress level again (0 to 10, where 10 is maximum intensity and 0 is no intensity): 6
- Repeat from Step 3:
Tapping on the karate chop point:
“Even though I have some remaining blame feeling in my stomach, I deeply and completely accept myself.” X 3
Tapping on each of the 8 points:
This remaining blame feeling
This blame feeling in my stomach
This feeling in my stomach
Still feeling so much blame
This remaining blame feeling
This blame feeling in my stomach
This feeling in my stomach
Still feeling so much blame
Let go of the blame. You have an amazing love life ahead of you, welcome it into your life!
