My mother’s hands trembled as she lit yet another cigarette and paced in front of the window waiting for my father’s car to arrive. We wore dresses and coats but no boots. It was not winter. He was late. As far as I knew, we were going to a restaurant for dinner. Why she was so worried will remain a mystery, but the anxiety she felt became an unintended gift for me.
The gift of anxiety in my body feels like fear—sometimes trickling like a leaky faucet, sometimes pulsing like a Waterpik shower head, sometimes like tons of cold water dropping powerfully over Niagara Falls. There are moments when I disassociate. But it is getting better.
Through observation and experience, my mother’s worries taught me to not trust the world, everything is not all right, and all is not fine. In her defense, losing both her parents before the age of 18 and coping with a vision disorder skewed her perception of the world, literally and figuratively.
My mother died when I was in my 20s but if she were alive now, it’s possible because of what I have learned, I could show her another way to live with greater joy and less stress.
Anxiety is work and it is exhausting and before you get too excited, I have not found a cure, but this is what I have learned:
- How much you worry about a person is not a sign of how much you love them. However, your heart overflowing with a belief in that person is most definitely a sign of how much you love them.
- Carrying worry beads or a crystal in your pocket to relieve some of the stress is much healthier than a smoking addiction.
- Asking for what you need from another person, God, your angels, or the Universe is a first step to then looking for signs of its fruition and believing if you ask, it is given. Anxiety is lessened when we know we are not in this life alone. We can ask for help. We can be open to receiving that which is ours by divine right.
- The gap between asking and receiving is today, tomorrow, and maybe many more tomorrows, so it is an easy time to give up and revert to worry and stress. But as Andy Dooley, author, teacher, and artist, suggests, we can mind the gap by acing it: Appreciate, Celebrate, and be Excited.
This is mindfully living in the present with gratitude, which reduces anxiety. Delightfully, some of my petitions manifest almost instantaneously. But not all. My search for my birth family took more than thirty years. The world had to change.
DNA testing for the public and a new law that allowed adult adoptees to obtain their original birth certificate were necessary before my plea to the Universe could be answered. What I was given, after such a long wait, was so much more than what I had even imagined. - Anxiety is forgetting. It is forgetting we are not alone, and we are co-creators of our reality. It is forgetting that the most powerful force in the Universe is love. It is forgetting that with love, we are unstoppable.
The gift of anxiety is not just sweaty palms and stomach cramps. With each anxious moment, there is an opportunity to pause and make a choice. The first choice is to breathe in and breathe out. Allow spirit in, let fear out. The second choice is to focus on your intention.
To raise one’s vibration we must let spirit in. With anxiety, it might take a few extra steps, yet it is worth the effort.
It is so much more fun to laugh and feel joyful. I wish my mom was here to feel it with me.
