One of my favorite examples of self-sabotage is a story about Vincent van Gogh. Before he went on to be one of the most famous painters in history, he was a struggling artist and an admirer of the successful artist Jules Breton.
One day, van Gogh decided to walk 80 kilometers to Breton’s hometown to show him some of his drawings. When he arrived at the property, he got cold feet. He decided to turn around and leave, and Breton never knew he was there.
This example provides a good breakdown of what happens when you move towards what you long for.
It starts with a deep desire for something. You often feel really motivated in the beginning, as you take steps towards that desire. As you get closer to your desire, your self-doubt tends to come up. The closer you get to what you want, the more you want to turn around and run away.
You want to start a business or get a new work opportunity, and you are finally having some success with it. You want a healthy relationship, and you meet someone who is truly great. Or you have been looking for your dream home and are about to buy it / sign a contract for it.
And then, just as you are about to get what you wanted, something inside you starts to panic. You want to pull the plug and just call the whole thing off. And you probably have some good reasons for it.
You feel that you are not quite ready for the new opportunity, because you need to do a course first or grow your confidence. The person you are dating has some habits that, after reflecting on it, you don’t like that much. And that dream home, is it truly the right time to move? Maybe it’s best to wait a few months and see what the housing market will do.
It is totally possible that you don’t want it, deep down. This often happens when the desire for something comes not from yourself, but from expectations that are put on you by society or your loved ones. When your desire is not genuine, it will feel like a sense of dread, like something is off while you rationally feel that you should be happy about it.
But also, maybe this is your self-sabotage kicking in. Because we often fear the things we want the most just as strongly as we desire them, our self-protection mechanisms tend to come up when we get what we want.
Fear comes in different shapes and forms. You may feel fear of disappointment or failure or getting your heart broken. When you have negative past experiences that you haven’t fully processed, you often fear that they will repeat themselves.
There is often a part of you that wonders if you deserve this big change or if you are truly ready for it. When you are used to having to work hard in either your career or your relationships, it can feel uncomfortable when something comes naturally.
It can be challenging to sink into the trust that it is the right time, that you deserve it, and that you are allowed to enjoy it.
Or it could just be the fact that it is something new and therefore unfamiliar. Life changes, no matter how much you have longed for them, are a step into unknown territory, and that can bring up a lot of fear.
We are wired to want what is familiar and comfortable, even when we have outgrown it or want something different for ourselves.
Your nervous system is focused mostly on keeping you safe, not on letting you thrive and live a deeply meaningful life. So, it is normal to feel fear right when a big change comes along. You can feel excited about something and scared at the same time. In fact, to your nervous system, fear and excitement feel very similar.
When your fear gets triggered, you are no longer connected to how you really feel about this change. Your thoughts become scattered, and as a reaction to the physical discomfort you feel, your mind starts to create stories. And you probably start believing them, because they tend to be very convincing.
What you need in such moments is to welcome the part of you that feels afraid, without letting it guide your decision-making. To allow your fear to be felt in your body without getting overwhelmed. To give yourself safety while you acknowledge, express, feel, and share the discomfort.
Rather than running away or sabotaging what could be something great for you, give yourself some time to adjust. Acknowledge that change feels scary and incorporate some calming practices into your routine. Breathe into the discomfort. Allow it to be there without the need to act upon it.
Acknowledge the fears you feel and the past experiences you may have had. Honor the part of you that feels scared and give yourself the space to process this change that is about to happen in your life. Ask yourself what you need to feel a little calmer, a little steadier. This could be a walk in nature, talking to a loved one, or some breathing exercises.
As you integrate your emotions from past experiences and learn to calm your nervous system, you won’t feel the need to self-sabotage anymore. You will be able to recognize your scattered thoughts and the stories you have created for what they are: fear.
And know that just because you feel afraid, that doesn’t mean that you are not ready or not worthy. Because you absolutely are.
