Do you struggle in your relationship? Perhaps you feel like many of us do, that if only your partner would understand you and stop neglecting your needs, then you would be happy.
That’s because we usually think of relationships as transactions: I give you this and you give me that in return, and our relationships start (and continue) on the wrong foot as we focus solely on what we want and whether or not the other person can give it to us.
This transactional mindset forms the breeding ground for relationship mishaps. Instead of cultivating an environment of growth, acceptance, and love, we inadvertently base our connections on a skewed notion of “who gets the best deal.”
It’s safe to say this isn’t the most promising foundation for building meaningful connections.
Therefore, understanding what motivates us to start and cultivate a relationship will make them more enjoyable and fulfilling.
The Mindset Shift: Social Connections Are a Mirror to Your Soul
The way you talk to others mirrors how you talk to yourself, your treatment of others reflects your self-treatment, and your feelings about others reveal how you truly feel about yourself. You can learn a lot about yourself by paying attention to your social interactions.
For example, what annoys you in others is most likely something that annoys you about yourself. It is likely hidden as a shadow in your subconscious mind, but through this interaction, it is revealed to you.
That’s why relationships provide a perfect opportunity for you: not only do you get to know the other person but you get to know your deepest, truest self.
So why not use your relationship as an opportunity for personal growth?
It’s a shift in perspective, but it doesn’t mean using others or neglecting their needs. Instead, it’s about looking at every interaction as a precious opportunity to shape yourself into the person you want to become—and to grow into the best partner for your significant other.
It’s time to start thinking about relationships in a new way: in the context of personal growth.
Instead of Trading, Do Some Growing
Personal growth is not just something that needs space in a relationship; it is what the relationship should ultimately be “used” for.
The reason our relationships are in such a mess is that we’re always trying to figure out what the other person wants. When we think we have it figured out, we try to decide whether or not to give it to them. And we decide as if we’re doing some “shopping” by carefully measuring what we might get in return.
I think that explains most if not all of the issues we have with any of our relationships. They are a delicately balanced trade: if you meet my needs, then I’ll meet yours. And if we don’t get what we expected, we get frustrated, angry, sad, you name it.
Instead of basing our relationships on growth, acceptance, or just plain ol’ love, we base them on “who gets the best deal.”
Relationships Are Growth Experiences
As you journey through this plane of physical existence that we have labeled life, you gather experiences.
Based on those experiences, you make assumptions about yourself. You have an idea about who you are, and in every situation you find yourself in, you demonstrate that idea with your thoughts, words, and actions. That situation becomes a new experience you can use to form a new idea about yourself.
Everything in life is about growth. Life is growth. Evolution.
You are living out your best ideas about who you are and who you wish to become. With that in mind, there is no greater opportunity for growth in life than a relationship with another person. Instead of entering a relationship thinking about what you can get out of the other person, you can shift your focus to how that relationship can help you grow.
We can do a lot of work on our own, but at the end of the day, we need other people to mirror and show us where we still need to grow.
Be the Best Partner by Being Your Best Self
Now, as mentioned, while it is a shift in perspective, it does not mean that you should neglect the wants and needs of the other person in your relationship.
Indeed, the aspirations, desires, and needs of the other person can act as a powerful catalyst for revealing your authentic self. By actively listening to the other person, you gain insights that enable you to define your role and response within the context of the situation at hand.
When you have decided who and what you are regarding the current circumstances (loving, helping, understanding, caring, etc.), seek a way to grow into those things. Dig deep, and do what feels right given what you have decided.
Shifting your focus from a transactional mindset to one centered on personal growth allows you to grow into the most caring and loving person you want to be.
And who you are will then be mirrored back at you, giving you everything you tried to bargain for in the first place.
