How to Inspire Your Man to Want to Change

BY Valarie O’Ryan        May 20, 2015

Is it okay to try to change a man? Most people would agree that it's never a good idea to try to change anyone.

I agree. But, oh boy, I think it's fantastic to inspire him to want to change.

If you’re in a relationship with a man and you wish some things would change, you can inspire him to want to change. You have the power. You just never learned how to use it. Or were taught other things instead - things that don't work, things that actually hurt. I want you to abandon the old ways of trying to change him by controlling or manipulating or convincing or arguing. These don’t work and do more damage than good.

Most men are begging to be inspired. Inside he’s screaming for that one person who makes him want to be better.

You can be that person! Here's how:

1. Ask the Right Question.
I had more than one relationship where I was always hoping my man would change in some way. If he was just more affectionate, more communicative, less critical, less selfish, I'd be happier. The problem with that was threefold: a) I was denying myself happiness now, b) I was trying to change another person, and c) I was looking outside myself for happiness.

So I asked myself, "How can I give those things to myself (more affection and communication, less criticism)?" I started being affectionate with myself - stroking my arm, playing with my hair - and also giving more affection - hugging my friends, my dog. I started working on my own communication techniques. I stopped criticizing - myself or anyone else. Things started to change instantly for me.

2.Choose Your Focus.
For some reason, it's really easy to focus on the stuff we don't like - whether it's our hair, the weather, or something our man is doing. Have you ever noticed this just tends to get you more of the same - more bad hair days, more rain, more "bad behavior"? When I started really paying attention to what I was attracting with my focus, I was astonished! I kept getting more of whatever I focused on.

Try this game I learned from The Secret: Pick something to "manifest" today – a purple balloon, a yellow rose, a cup of coffee. Close your eyes and picture the object. How does it feel and smell? Visualize the steam rising from the mug. Imagine the taste, the warmth as it goes down your throat. Focus on it for 17 seconds and get as present with the object as you can. When you're done, simply say "thank you." Then go about your day. See if you attract your object at some point.

I did this awhile back and chose a butterfly. I pictured it perched on a plant then flitting around in the air. I focused on the beautiful colors of its wings. Then I went about my day. I'd forgotten about it until later in the evening. I stopped at the coffee shop and there above the counter was a helium balloon - shaped like a butterfly!

The purpose of this is to show you how powerful your thoughts are. If you keep focusing on what you don't like about your man you create a cycle of attracting more of the same. Try focusing only on what you like and ignoring the other stuff. It might take some practice and even feel wrong at first. It's almost like you think, "If I don't point it out, he'll keep doing it!" But actually, if you stop pointing it out, there's a good chance it will disappear all on its own. And by giving your attention to what you do like and pointing that out to him, you'll get more of that, which is what you wanted all along.

3. Live Your Guidelines, Don't Force Them.
The best way to inspire a man is by showing him what it takes to be your man. That doesn't mean you're constantly correcting him, getting angry with him, shaming him, or putting up walls. What you want to do to create attraction is simply live the way you want to be treated. Take great care of yourself, pamper yourself, say good things to yourself, accept every nook and cranny of yourself. And reject any behavior from a man that doesn't feel good

Set the guidelines right from the start, before you get invested in a man who might not be capable of being the man you want. Be careful about how you state your boundaries - don't demand anything from him or force him to be what you want. Express your boundaries, not specifically about him, but about what you need. "I need xyz to be happy in a relationship." Never say, "I need YOU to do this so I can be happy."

Inspiring a man is about valuing yourself so that he can, too. When a man meets a woman who adores herself, focuses on his good qualities, and won't accept behavior that devalues her, he'll do one of two things, 1) Run for the hills because he's not capable of having a relationship, or 2) Become the man he always wanted to be.

Inspiration is magic.


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Valarie O’Ryan

Valarie is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach, Master Coach Teacher for Rori Raye, and author of Man Magic. She’s also proof that a woman can attract exactly what she wants in a relationship. She helps take the effort out of attraction and makes it fun. If you’re having trouble attracting the kind of man you want, if you seem to “push away” the men you like, or you feel you’re running out of time – she can help you turn things around. Visit Valarie’s website at to get your FREE “3 Ways To Make Him Irresistibly Attracted To You” and start attracting the right man now.

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