For all my childhood I had a feeling that something was off with my family dynamics, but I could never really put my finger on it.
When I was around the age of twenty, my mom came to visit me at my apartment. She said, “I came today to tell you something about your brother.” I blurted out, “Let me guess: our uncle is his dad?” She said, “Yes.”
BOOM—there it was, that feeling. I had seen them together over the years and always wondered why they had a similar look, so it seemed on a cellular level I felt the truth. My mother’s face was astonished as I am sure she thought she and my dad had hidden it well all these years.
What made this especially maddening was that my brother had died in a car accident two years before. I asked, “Did he know?” “Yes, he knew six months before he passed away.”
My brother had started to get to know our uncle and had discovered the secret himself and approached my mom. My brother wanted to deal with this in his own way before talking to me or our dad. Sadly, he died before to being able to do that.
Fast forward: I’m 53 and have decided to get a DNA test. Why? I wanted to know more about my heritage. Mom knew I wanted to pursue this and made a comment about how I would not get to really find out anything since I needed a court order for any specific details.
See, she was from the generation where that would hold true, but not now with DNA testing prevalent as it is nowadays. It was then I said, “Speak up now if you have something to say.” She chose silence.
When I ordered my DNA test, I paid for information about both nationality and family tree. When I received my test results, I was so excited to review the nationality I initially forgot about the family tree.
When I finally remembered to click the family tree tab, everything changed. At the top of my tree, my uncle’s name was listed as a parent/child relationship. Yes, he was in the system. Wow! My mind was blown! My thoughts raced. Does nobody know? Why wasn’t I told?
For anyone who has had a revelation like this, it is at this moment that you realize that everything you know is now different yet the same. You feel a sense of loss with your identity. I recall looking in the mirror and thinking, Who am I?
I do not share this story for pity or sympathy, as none is needed. Once I took the time to process and move forward, I found remarkable hidden gems that may help others.
- Realize your parents are human.
Mom and Dad weren’t always parents. They were just humans trying to maneuver this world and yes, they may have stumbled and not made the choices I would have, but at the end of the day they deserve a little grace. I learned that my parents had decided to just live life and bury these facts from me and my brother. - Allow yourself the time to process.
The information that you know deserves its own time at its own pace. This is a lot to process, so be gentle to yourself during this time. Everything has changed, but has it? - Do not let your brain fool you.
Everything that you have experienced in life up to this point is not a lie. It can feel that way when you have a revelation, but it is not true. In my situation, I had a great childhood, and I was loved. That was real; it happened. - Find new connections.
Once I learned about my DNA truth, I sought out new family members to have conversations about what was revealed. Was this hard? Yes. Was this a touchy subject? Yes, however, I felt it necessary to quiet the audience and discover my own truths. - Acknowledge divine timing.
I took a deep dive into self. Why was this happening to me at this stage of my life? I acknowledged that divine timing is everything and this was my time to learn and discover. I made a choice to not dwell on the “what ifs.” - Search for hidden gems.
What a gift to have a new family that wants to connect and learn about each other! It is even exciting to see those strange little quirks you have being mirrored right back to you. - Discover and explore.
DNA test results are fascinating. I love learning about unfamiliar cultures that my nationality test revealed. You may even take a trip to connect with a new family member. - Empower yourself.
Up to that moment decisions had been made for me. I felt empowered to choose what I wanted to do with my newly discovered information. - Forgive.
This is the hardest, but it is invaluable to your own growth. At the end of the day, its humans being imperfectly human. - Open your heart.
If family are willing to discuss, I invite you to consider opening the door to open-hearted conversations.
