For the love of foster children...

Q:  Mike - My husband can't have a baby with me so we decided to foster-to-adopt and now we have two great children in our home that we would love to welcome, and have forever in our family... but I'm scared that they'll go back home to the birth parents that physically abused them.

Help me, please. What do I do?      

A:  You can only give these children an "option" (to stay with you); you can’t make them take it. And this option will be far more attractive to them if:

1- they feel it’s not being forced upon them.

2- you can find your own happiness, independent of your status as their mother (as much as is practically possible). Children will sense if you become too dependant upon them for your joy and fulfillment, and this will again be perceived as an entrapment of sorts. It's not a sign of love when a parent becomes selfless, but a sign of fear and self-avoidance. Be happy in your own life, in your own pursuits, in your garden, in your home, going for walks, watching movies, with your friends, and your happiness will be a magnet to all who know you.

Of course, children have their own thoughts, and desires, and fears, and in the end, they may choose to leave you no matter what your terms or happiness, but worrying about this may only hasten its likelihood, while making all of you uncomfortable. However if you’ve done #2 above, you'll be much better prepared to weather the storm, and prepare your home for other children who better appreciate you.

Best wishes!!