I have a confession.
I have a new four letter word infiltrating my vocabulary. B.U.S.Y. “I’m busy. I’m crazy busy.”
That’s actually what I tell people when they ask me how I am. Of course, the more I tell people how busy I am, the more I buy into it. The faster the pace, the more overwhelmed and anxious I become. Lately, I’ve felt rushed and frenzied. I can feel myself spinning my wheels and becoming disconnected. I’m SO busy. But here’s the real transparent confession:
I think I like telling people that I’m busy. It means I’m doing something, and doing something means I must be important. It’s one of the beliefs of my “good girl.” It’s the set-up of the superwoman: If I’m doing and serving, then I’m valuable. Consequently, if I’m not doing (aka: not busy), then I must not be valuable or successful. Having a filled calendar is my badge of honor. A way to prove to myself and to everyone else that I am accomplishing something.
I use being busy as an unconscious excuse not to take care of the things that are really important. Excuses like: why I haven’t gotten the follow-up mammogram I should have gotten last year, or meeting a friend for coffee, or consulting a financial advisor, or planning weekend adventures, or putting together the curriculum that my soul wants to teach, or finally creating the website that expresses my essence.
I use being busy as a cover-up for things slipping through the cracks, and for all the things I’m scared to do. And the horrible, ugly, and shameful confession that I don’t want to admit is this: I tell the long story of ALL the things that I have on my plate, so you will either forgive me, be inspired by me, feel bad for me, or so you won’t even ask me. Just writing that made me teary. I want to be sure you know that I am crazy busy. But I’m realizing that it is my excuse as to why I can’t fully live my life the way I desire.
What I’m realizing is that I don’t want to be so busy that I miss out on my life. I don’t want to keep achieving if I don’t have time for the simple pleasures and the important people in my life. I want more simplicity, ease, fulfillment, love and joy. I have the same amount of time as anyone else. I choose to be and say that I am busy. I choose to be distracted and frenzied and rushing. And if I choose that, then I can also choose something different, starting with:
I don’t have to work harder to be more successful. That is good girl B.S.
I’m not going to tell you that I’m crazy busy anymore and wipe the sweat from my brow. I’m going to tell you that I’m doing things I’m excited about and yes, I do have time to go for a walk.
What is being “crazy busy” costing you? How do you use “crazy busy” as your excuse? Do you have any aha moments or wisdom to share?
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